So I think it’s fair to say my dedication to blogging has been very subpar. Largely because these last few weeks I’ve really struggled. I’ve been applying for a year abroad, taking exams, debating whether to change degree, and going insane because I can’t get my frustration and worries out in my running like I normally would. I’ve been trying to supplement my running with some other exercise but since I’ve come home I can’t swim anymore, and there isn’t really any other cardio that my foot can take at the moment. I have been cycling in the gym (which Is good because I can stop as soon as my foot hurts, rather than if I’m cycling outside when I can’t just stop) but I just don’t get the same level of endorphins and joy that I got from my running. I also am struggling to maintain my weight loss, mainly because when I was running 6 days a week, I was eating up to 2500 calories a day. I needed the fuel. And whatever I put in my body was positive for my body and only aided my running and working out. Now, I’m pretty much not moving (apart from lifting weights and walking) so I’ve reduced my calorie intake to 1650 a day. I want junk food to comfort me. It’s also Christmas, so I want to drink. Compared to my previous intake, this is obviously a massive cut. And it’s really hard.
Another struggle I have is whether I want to continue with my degree. I’ve never loved mine (or even liked it very much) and not running or socialising means I have a lot more time to worry about this sort of thing and get in my own head. And it’s extremely upsetting, because I feel like I made the wrong decision with it. And now, because of that one wrong decision, I’ve potentially reduced what I can do in the future and that’s hard for me to comprehend. Do I change degree? Do I go on a year abroad? Who knows. I don’t want to leave the polo club, as at uni it’s been my biggest pride and joy. I love everyone in it and don’t think I could leave it for a year. If I change degree, I’d also be adding at least another year onto my studies (=5 year degree) which is just painful, especially if I change degree and then don’t like the degree I change to which would be extremely unlucky but very possible.
It breaks my heart being at uni and not having a proper year. If I’d had a full year of polo and socials and seeing my friends, I think I would take the year abroad, keep this degree, and just suck it all up. But we haven’t at all. It’s also difficult because I want to social distance, and not go to gatherings ect- but at the same time if my friends are meeting it’s very hard to be okay with staying at home. I feel like I’ve been left out when I obviously haven’t been. I feel like corona results in so many arguments that would just never happen normally. For example, after I’d come home for the second time having to get a test because someone in polo tested positive, one of my flatmates blew up on us and after a few months of awful awful tension and arguments, she moved out. I’m so glad it’s over, but that was an extremely stressful time, which on top of my foot, uni struggles and mental health struggles, I just didn’t need. And now, I’m really struggling with the thought of going back to uni. Do I want to go back to a flat and go through last semester’s struggles again? I don’t know.
I realise I may have just spent the last blog venting. And I’m sorry. But this is what I’m feeling. And I want all those other people who are struggling with their degrees and their mental health and having problems like I am to reach out to me. I wanna vent with you. I wanna help you.
If anyone has any cardio advice/a magic pill to fix my foot/ mental health instantaneously, please do tell.
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