Stress

So I’ve felt the need to blog for a while now but for some reason I kept putting it off and putting it off for no particular reason other than I didn’t want to worry anyone or upset anyone or even act like this situation is just hard on me because It is obviously hard on everyone and a lot of people are struggling right now.

But there are firstly many positives

Running wise it’s going well. I’ve just upped my mileage quite drastically which is taking a while for my body to get used to but apart from that I’m seeing fitness progress and I’ve managed to hold onto my muscle a lot more this time which makes me happy. One thing I think I’ve determined from this marathon training though is that I like running just for me. As soon as I worry about pace and distance I stop enjoying the running element which obviously defeats the point of doing it. After the may marathon therefore I think I’ll take a break from training for something specifically. It’s also a lot of work and effort which is great In that it gets you results but equally you can’t really have anything else going on in your life because you have to prioritise the training and that’s quite intense for a second year uni student. Also, my foot is quite sore after most runs- which I guess is just the new normal now but It’s quite a lot to deal with a niggle all the time… and its something that I’m sure would go away if not ease if I took a running break.

I’ve finally got my food sorted. I went through a stage where I just generally had a really bad relationship with it. I fully realised how bad this relationship was when I was at a gym session with a friend of mine (who I won’t name) and I was venting to her about my worries that I was going to put all the weight I’d lost back on because of my injury, and that I was a bit worried about my food. She confirmed for me that I just wasn’t thinking about it in the right way- and whenever I was upset and worried I turned to food as a kind of comfort blanket. I later discovered via my physio that this was probably some sort of binge eating disorder. However, coming home and starting running again has pretty much sorted this toxic relationship. I don’t count down the minutes till my next meal anymore. I don’t binge when I’m sad (although I occasionally get the urge to but I don’t act on it) and more importantly although I eat healthily because of my running, I don’t restrict myself anymore. This week was a particular break through as I haven’t weighed myself or counted calories for maybe a week and a half. Its such a weight off my shoulders. I don’t want to be that person that counts calories for the rest of their life and it was looking like that would be the case if I didn’t stop now so I’m really happy I have.

I’m not going to lie, the mental health is very much all over the place, which I’m sure it is for everyone. In fact I don’t think it’s been this up and down since A levels where it was really down. I’m going back to uni on Friday which I think will really help, but being at home for this long as made me feel v pointless and has dragged up all my worries about picking the wrong degree and how on earth I’m going to make that work in the future. Again, it’s probably up and down because I’ve not got anything else to think about at the moment. But as a lot of you probably relate to it’s very hard to work up the motivation to get up in the morning and do a full day of uni work when you don’t have something to look forward to. I’m currently writing this blog, in bed, struggling to get up for the day. It’s 9am which for me is late, and I have so much work+a run to do which is extremely stressful. And I know I have all this to do but I just don’t want to get out of bed. I just can’t face the world for many days recently and I guess today is one of those days.

I’ve also been struggling recently with my confidence. The last time I remember feeling like this was first semester of the polo team when I didn’t really know anybody and everyone was gorgeous and had long legs and toned bodies and I just didn’t look the same. I’ve worked on my body a lot since then and I am a lot fitter. I just still have stuff that I struggle with and no matter what anyone says to me I still feel crap about it. I guess that kind of self-love comes with time, and I’m learning to love my body so I guess everything else will come with it.

I’m not even going to get started on the boy situation.

My other worry at the moment is what it will be like post rona. I don’t know about you guys but I’m slightly worried about clubbing, and even just being around that many other people after whats happened- not because I’m worried about catching rona but because I’m worried I’m going to be the most socially awkward human being ever because I’ve literally forgotten how to socialise. It’s such a weird worry and one that we’ve literally never had before but it’s definitely one that’s present in my mind.

So this is just a little reminder to everyone that this time is crap and we’re going to struggle. Yes I’m in bed now, but I will probably go on a run soon so I’ve done one productive thing today. And I know we’re all in this together so I just have to power through. And I am fine. Struggling slightly, panicked a lot, but fine!

Not going to lie, I already feel 10x better after venting to you all on my blog xx