I wanted to talk about something v close to my heart. But please- if you know you struggle with this sort of thing and this blog triggers you- contact any of the links below or even me if you just need a vent.
https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/feelings-and-symptoms/body-image/
https://bodyimagemovement.com/resources/professional-help-and-support/
As you all know by now, my sport is waterpolo. This means that for 90% of the time we are in v high cut, v revealing swimsuits. Additionally waterpolo like many other sports requires you to be v fit to play- so you’re often surrounded by extremely toned muscular girls. This can be very overwhelming.
When I started playing waterpolo with the uni I hadn’t played the sport for a very long time, years in fact, as I dropped out due to A levels. I can’t tell you how much strength it took to go to that first Uni Try out- and how overwhelmed and intimidated I felt when we got in the pool. This wasn’t because of anything the girls did, far from it- they were v lovely and v welcoming. I just hadn’t played the sport in so long and I was never very good initially so to train with a first team was a big deal for me. This was also because at school I was never in the first team for anything- except swimming- but never for any of the key sports such as hockey and netball. I didn’t like hockey because I didn’t like the effort that came with shin pads and gumshields and I normally lost one or the other anyway, and I though netball was the single most boring sport ever invented (sorry to any Netball players.)
But anyway, I came to the try out got in the team (slightly by default but we move on) and began training with them. And I loved it- it was so disciplined and focused and structured. I also worked flipping hard to stay in the team and show I deserved the opportunity I’d been given. But what I couldn’t help noticing is how different I looked from everyone else. Everyone else was fit. I was very much not. My body was also a completely different shape- I had no muscular legs, or tight glutes, or big toned arms. And honestly it really really got to me.
I remember one match in particular where I think we were in Manchester and I just felt so incredibly uncomfortable in my swimsuit- more than I’d ever felt before, and I said to my friends why is my body shape so different? I really don’t like how I look.
Now this is super sad. Mainly because you should love yourself regardless- and you shouldn’t every compare to anyone else. But try telling your mind that.
If I’m honest this is one of the main reasons why I started running and losing weight because I was absolutely determined never to feel that uncomfortable again.
Now I realise this story is slightly sad- and it potentially sounds like I was forced into that weight loss due to wanting to look like everyone else. This is not true. Was this a part of it? Yes, it was. But most of it was due to me wanting to improve my own mental health and feel happy and confident in my own skin. Polo just brought all those insecurities and issues to the fore of my brain. And it’s pretty much worked. I still experience body dysmorphia occasionally-where I look in the mirror and see a v overweight person that isn’t actually there (yes this is v much a thing.) but its all getting a lot better.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/body-dysmorphia/
Another thing I wanted to briefly touch on is how degrading and triggering social media can be in regards to this issue. We’ve all done it- scrolled through Instagram and thought oh wow, I wish I looked like her. But try and remember no one actually looks like that. Ever. Its so heavily filtered and angled and the person in question has a billion personal trainers and nutritionists to enable her to look even slightly like that. So if you’re on social media scrolling and know it’s going to make you feel awful- get off it.
So what is the message here. Obviously, it’s so important to love yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin. But I think it’s all very well saying that, but if you get a niggle in your brain it can be very hard to get rid of it and get out of your own thoughts. I don’t have an answer for leaving the negative thoughts behind- I still get them as I’m sure everyone does. But what I will say is this. As hard as it is don’t ever compare with anyone else. We are all so different.
Power through those insecurities X
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